Opening Your Heart to People “Unlike” You

I wrote this next post for our company's Christian Newsletter. A friend of mine is in charge of putting it together and said to me this morning that no one had responded to him with articles for it. So, I told him I would write something for him if he wanted, but I wasn't sure if he would think it was good enough or pertinent enough to work-life to put it in. I'll let you know what he says. But, in the meantime, I thought I'd share with you what I wrote.

Opening Your Heart to People "Unlike" You
And, by saying, unlike, I don’t mean a different color or sex or socio-economic background. Though, those all could be true, but whom I am speaking of, are the ‘non-joiners’.

Non-joiners are people like you and I. People who are mothers and fathers, dedicated workers, and good “keep their yards mowed” neighbors, who are most likely, non-weekly church-goers, probably un-involved community participants, and just generally, good at being non-joiners!

Non-joiners are seeking guidance, but keep getting the same answers from the same sources, and are wondering who else they can to turn to? They usually feel they’re doing what is meant for them by keeping their nose to the grind-stone, being kind to others, letting life happenings dictate their moves, and, most uniformly, living without purpose. I can say this. I was one of them!

Life was a series of have-to’s, and doing what was expected of me, and, for sure, doing what people would perceive as good deeds, ie, “I’m a good person”. But, fulfillment was not there. True happiness was a thing of fairy tales. Doing what God had intended for me, was what I was doing, right?!? This kind of “living” was my purpose, right?!? Then why did I have a great big hole in my heart?

Well, here’s my story. Here’s how the people around me brought me back to God, and back to being a disciple of his word.

Our neighbors had lived on our block for longer than we had. They were people we saw when we moved in, and people we’d occasionally throw a wave to when passing on the street. But, we definitely did not know them or anything about them.

Within the first year of our moving in, I could see that they had just had a baby, baby balloons were tied to their mailbox. But, even though I knew it would be nice to knock on their door and present them with a casserole, I never did. I never went to wish them well, holding the casserole saying, “I know how hard having kids is, let me do this little bit that I can for you.”

No, that would have been the right thing, but I didn’t know them, I only lived on the same street. Good deeds were done for people you knew. Instead, I felt it was definitely best to just wish them well from a distance. Because what if they wanted more from me by putting myself out-there like that! No, they didn’t bring us a casserole when we moved-in so no one would expect for me to do anything for them! Good one less thing to worry about.

Well, it was three years later before we even started uttering words to each other. Three years later before we even stopped and spoke to each other when passing on the street. Three years later and so many missed opportunities, later, before we ever got to know each other. And, even then, it was no deep relationship it was more of an awkward, “Oh, Kyle looks so cute in that outfit.” And, “How old was Griffin when you took his training wheels off?” But, the relationship was building and these did seem like nice people.

On Sundays, I’d see them leave, obviously they were going to church, and I’d wonder, “Hmm, where do they go to church?”

One day, more than a year later, I got up the courage to ask the neighbor’s daughter where they went to church. She told me, and I thought, “Funny. That’s the church that Dan said he’d like for us to try going to sometime.” But, me, I was too set in my thinking and the way I grew up, to go too far outside of my religion. Though, I had to admit, these were good folks who seemed to live by the same principles and codes that we lived by. Which got me thinking, was I happy with any of the church visits we had made so far? No, I wasn't. I hadn’t felt comfortable enough anywhere, to feel like joining the congregation. Of course, this could also be attributed to the fact that I was a Non-Joiner. Nowhere felt like somewhere I should join! That would be going against who I was, ever the non-joiner! But, this day was different and I guess I was getting tired of this non-joining stuff.

I heard myself saying to her, “Hey, we’d like to go to that church sometime. Could we maybe go with you all some Sunday?” And, she said, “Oh, sure! Yeah, I’m just sure my Mom and Dad would be happy to have you all come with us!” And, so, my fate was sealed.

I’m not sure if it was that day, or if it was the next or when exactly. But, my neighbor lady came down to our house, and said, “Hey, I hear you may want to come to church with us some Sunday?” Now, I was hooked into going. I was definitely apprehensive, this was going way outside my comfort-zone, and being the non-joiner I had been all of my adult life, this was big, huge, for me! I was scared.

I said, “Yeah, we would. I’m not sure what we have going on. I’ll have to check with Dan (this was my way of prolonging the joining), but I will let you know.”

Now, the rest of how this all occurred, is sort of a blur to me. We went with them one Sunday. We enjoyed it. There was a Live BIG (Believing In God) class for Griffin, and a Nursery with paid, background-checked workers for Grant, this is a great relief to a parent who doesn’t like leaving her kids with people she doesn’t know, and we found we really liked the pastor and the congregation. For weeks, our neighbors would ask us if we wanted to go to Sunday School with them after Service, but we declined every time. I’m sure it was me more than Dan who shied away from going, I was the non-joiner, you know. But, one Sunday, months after we first visited, I said to Dan, “Maybe we should stay for Sunday School?” I was getting better at this joining stuff!! And, he agreed. So, we went along.

There we found a group of people much like us. People who were striving to be better individuals. People who too, were trying to find a better way to balance family, work, life, community service, etc. and all of a sudden, this Non-Joining Mom, was feeling apart of something. Something bigger than her, something bigger than the Sunday School class, something bigger than the whole church congregation. I was feeling apart of the world God had set in front of me. The world that lives outside my door that was waiting for me to come out and LIVE in it! Things started really changing for me from then on.

There was this financial class that my husband and I decided to sign up for. He had been trying to get me involved in our finances for years, but my excuse had always been, “You want me to add one more thing to my already heavily loaded plate!?!?!” But, now, things were different. I felt apart of something greater. Something was telling me that this class was going to be the mortar and bricks we needed to start re-building the collapsed bridge my husband and I were living with in our marriage. He on one side believing things should be done in this manner, and, I, on the other, believing it was his load to bear, “Just tell me what I should spend and I’ll do that. I don’t want to be involved in any of the rest.”

Well, joining that class completely changed my view-point. Dan and I are now joined together in a financial plan, and the bridge has not only been made whole again, but the distance between the two ends is much, much closer.

One of the other by-products of that class was my renewed love of learning. The leader of the class teaches that educating yourself in your adult life, is just as important now, as it was when you were a growing adolescent. He believes that God wishes for us to live free of debt that binds us to living some one else’s existence, and to live in a state of constant curiosity. Growing daily by reading and watching and realizing that the world is ENORMOUS and we are but tiny participants in it. So, in order to have the sort of impact we wish, we need to remember that working in our strengths, striving towards excellence in everything we do, and being constant pupils of the world we live in is a huge part of what being a disciple of God means.

And, you know what these principles have taught me? That in order to be the person I want to be, that God intends for me to be, I have to learn that Join isn’t a four-letter word well it is, but you know what I mean. It’s a way to a life of wealth, far beyond earthly riches and far beyond social status. The wealth I am building by joining is a soul satisfying wealth that no person could ever fulfill for me. I have to go out and seek it and strive for it and find more opportunities to build it because being wealthy in soul feels fantastic! I’m living the life God intended! And it all started with a tepid question asked to a little girl, a warm-inviting welcome to join, and a long over-due step outside my comfort zone.

So, life has really turned around for me. If you know me at all, and felt I was happy before, I encourage you to meet me now, and see just how much I have grown!
This year, Dan and I will be working diligently towards being debt-free. We will be leading the financial class we took, at our own church. I have committed, every other month, to lead the Live BIG class for the 4-6 year olds. And, as a couple, we are working so hard at putting each others feelings and wishes at the tip top of our priority list. Marriage, for those of us who are, is the foundation for the rest of our lives. I believe that without a strong relationship we are just two people on a wandering boat bailing water every time life pops another hole in our vessel. So, spending time together, listening, sharing, and working towards satisfying each other’s needs is the only way of making sure we stay on course in a boat that is solid through and through. And, lastly, this year we are looking so forward to becoming ever-more involved in our congregation and community.

This transformation all started with a neighborly invite to a church with people I sort of knew, but liked, no matter how unlike their religion was to the one I grew up with. And, with an open-heart and mind, realizing that joining was the key to the life of fulfillment I’d been praying for.

I pray this story has affected you enough to search within yourself to either join in something you have been putting off because of your own notion that you won’t “fit in”, or that it inspires you to bring someone “unlike” yourself a casserole or a warm wish or an invite to something you’re involved in. These communities we live in: work, home, church, can never grow rich in God’s light, if we do not extend it to the one’s we inhabit them with.