Why I Write

Before Christmas, I saw this journal at Walmart and wanted to buy it for myself but then felt all guilty, "You're supposed to be buying gifts for others, not yourself!" Now, after the holiday, I went back to that aisle in Wally-world and there it was, right where I had seen it last, and with my Christmas money in tow, this book would now be mine!

I am not sure why I love paper so much. It's really awfully glutonous of me. Watch out trees I am not your friend. As much as I like trees for their shady branches and statuesque presence in the skyline, I also I like them just as much cut down, mashed-up, and converted into reem after reem of glorious pen fodder! How very un-green of me!

I think this love started for me as a child. For some reason we had box after box of scratch paper in the downstairs closet of the home we moved into when my mom married my step-dad. I am pretty sure this paper came from some printing company who had maybe printed reems and reems of copies incorrectly or something, not sure. What I do know is that there were boxes upon boxes of white, pink, blue, and green paper that I was allowed to mark-up, draw on, write on, whatever, because it was paper no one wanted.

Oh, how much I loved this paper! I had my own little office in that downstairs closet. I would sit in the little cubby inside the closet where the paper was stored, and with my boxes of paper I would write, draw, and create my own masterpieces. I loved escaping into my own little workshop. Having my own space was something I never really had. Who really does. Our spaces as children are usually shared with other siblings, or maybe not shared with others, but governed by the man and woman of the house, aka, Mom and Dad. Whose rules applied everywhere within the house. So, forget that you want to hang that cool poster you saw at the store up on your wall, Mom and Dad will not be having any of that. This would damage their walls and this house is an asset, you know.

So, even though you may have your own room, it's not really yours. This line of thinking must come with the role of parent! I now see a mark made in my wall and think, "Ugh. Their just devaluing my house any way they can!!" or, "Great, more work! Let me put it at the end of this list.....where is the end of this list?????"

That is why, I guess, I have such an adoration for paper. With pen to paper I enter my own world. I rule this domain. My thoughts and feelings are valid in this world because as ruler I say so! With pen to paper thoughts are remembered. This second in time is recorded. My soul and spirit will now live on. I have immortalized myself.

I am quite sure this is why I find time for this blogging everyone wonders how I can fit into my hectic life. Well, I find time because I love to write. I yearn to touch souls, to enrich lives, to deepen my connection with the people I am surrounded by. In writing, or in just sharing pictures, I feel I am doing just that. Deepening my connection with those of you, and leaving my children a message, "Your Mom Loved You! She Wanted You to KNOW Her! And How She Loved to Write! And What She Dreams For You MORE Than Anything Else is For You All to Find for Yourself What You Love and DO IT!"

Not sure why, but just writing those words now has brought tears to my eyes. Do what you love! Live with passion!

I am doing what I love in being a Mother and a Wife. But not what I love in my career. I do Love the company I work for, but the job, definitely not what I would have hand-picked for myself. And because of that, I feel I have lost that spark in some ways. That spark that keeps your passionate fire ignited. And, I guess, I sort of feel like how can I be a true example of what I wish to pass on if I am not living it? It hurts, putting it down on "cyber" paper like this. Seeing in black and white that I am only living half the life I envisioned. What a blow. I feel as if I am admitting failure. That is a tough pill to swallow. But, then, what should I do? What will make this lover of all things connective happy. Where would my skills be best matched and where, then, should I start?

Sometimes I feel like there are several people living inside of me. And I should feel this way because in today's society women are made to feel like they are supposed to wear many, many hats, and therefore, be, many, many people.

Some days I feel like I am a wonderful mother. Other days I feel like I have my head in my ass and who the hell would want this woman as their mother? She's full of venum and bile, keep her away from all of your young ones!

Some days I feel like I am a terrific employee. Dedicated to the work and to the real importance of my role. Others, I wonder why I am doing this? Why on Earth do I still continue to act happy with people who really deserve a good tongue lashing!

Some days I feel like the wife I am is so sub-par that my husband should really just leave. I know I could be better, but I've got all these hats and the damn things are weighing on me. Go find you another woman who can be your best friend and your soft place to fall, I am becoming a cold-hard-concrete-for-a-heart person, living in this passion-starved world.

So, I guess what I am saying is that if I am to live my passion, where would I begin? What would have to suffer? I feel like I am already just barely keeping my hats on, what would happen if I juggled them even more by adding, "in pursuit of my passion" to the mix? And that is the thing that keeps holding me back.

This is the most infuriating for me since I have never been one to stand down to a challenge. But, yet, I continually push down my loves, my desires so not to disrupt the many roles I already must be present and active in.

I love this "cyber" paper, and the paper of a journal. I love that I have a voice in this world I have created. Yet, sometimes the voice I hear scares me and depresses me, and makes me wish I was not a writer. Makes me wish I wasn't a person who feels the need to express and feel expression from others. It would be so much easier to feel less, to have lower expectations, to find solace in all that I have, instead of being grateful, but wishing for better.

Wow. Being ruler of my domain, you'd think I would speak better of myself, huh?! Guess sometimes you're not even really impressed with your own decisions.

Well, that just means its time to shake things up a bit. I vow to, or since we are in a New Year, I resolve to feed my passions. To find time for the Me who lives under my hats. Maybe finding the Me underneath all these hats will not be disruptive at all. Maybe it will make the hats I wear seem less heavy, strengthening the soul of the one who resides beneath. This could be just the spark I have been needing to keep my fire going!

If you're still here reading, I thank you for staying, for reading, for letting me vent my frustration and work through that bit of depression I was feeling. I'm much better now. Writing IS cathartic!!!