It was the start of a new book in my Mother's Group at church. This book is a 13 week study, but really only has 11 weeks of material. The first week is supposed to be a week of "Getting to Know One Another." Most of us ladies are well acquainted, but ice-breakers can be fun! I went out on the web and found some pretty good questions.
One question was What one store is most represented in your wardrobe....ha ha most of us said Walmart! Then there was, What song best represents the '80's to you? Amy, who had this question said Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. they just a wanna, they just a wanna...Ah yes! Some of the rest of the class said, Pour Some Sugar On Me, and Like A Virgin. I personally thought Peter Gabriel's In Your Eye's (from the movie Say Anything) was the song that best defined the '80's for me. 'Course, that's probably because I was at that pubescent and romantic stage in life where the movie just seemed so dreamy! Someone who loves you and sees so much in your eyes! WOW! Oh, to be a tween-ager again.....please, oh please, I was kidding! I would never want to go back to that stage in life again.....yuck! Nauseated just thinking about it!
Okay, so the question I had, was the one question I wrote down thinking, "I hope I don't get this one." The question was, "What is your life long dream?" I opened this up and anxiety immediately set in! I don't have a lifelong dream! I knew I should have chosen that question about what kinds of things scream "nerd" to you? Sheeesh, does anyone really have a dream from the time they were a child til now? I guess probably Tiger Woods and other people of that sort whose gifts are shown to them at such an early age, but, seriously, does everyone but me have a lifelong dream? Tell me I'm not the only one!!
I was sitting there, and eventually all the questions had been read except mine. I had to read my question to the group and then come up with an answer.
I decided maybe I should say what my dreams are now.... Oh wait, do I have any dreams? Ummmm, No. Okay that idea is shot.
Did I used to have any dreams? Yes.
Do I think I would still like to actualize those? Ummm, no, not really. I mean Solid Gold went off the air years ago, so I doubt they are still looking for dancers :(
Okay, I was batting a thousand here. The only thing I could think of that was a dream, was to be a Mom. I kind of felt like that was a lame answer though, since I was meeting with a group of mothers and that's the one thing we all were! Doesn't sound too "dreamy" among that crowd.
I ended up saying, "Well, I always wanted to be a Mom. And now, here I sit, Mom to three. So, I did that. But, ummm, yeah, really, I cannot think of any life long dream I ever had for myself."
That just sounds pathetic, huh?!? Yeah, so, right now I want you to do something for me, make an L with your right hand, press it to your forehead, and in your best Ace Ventura voice, say, "Loooooo-Seeeerrrrr!" That is how I felt answering that question. I'm a tiny green pea in a world of enormous orange pumpkins....very insignificant, out of place, and odd, I felt.
It's not like I don't have goals. My goals just seem to be more on the short term and not on the large scale anymore. I rarely ever dream, and I never day-dream, or catch myself fantasizing about things not at all the same girl I was back when I was all goo-goo eyed over John Cusack in Say Anything when he stood in front of Ione Skye's window with the boom box lifted in the air, and Peter Gabriel's In Your Eyes blasting out...maybe I could learn something from my tween-age years, after all. Maybe pick up a lost trait and bring it back to 30'something with me....hmmmmm, where do you find a time machine these days.....
I guess since growing up, I've become much more literal. What's realistic? What's tangible? Focus on the now, etc, etc. But I think I'd like to try being a little less here and now, and a little more when....
So, I'm on a mission: actualize a dream. Figure out what my lifelong, or maybe just from this point on, dream is and see myself realizing it.
I think I'll start with setting a goal. An attainable goal. Something that will get my feet wet. Been a long time since I set one of those.
Who wants to join me? Set a goal. Figure out what you want and aim for it. Just because I got the college degree, I got the man, I got the kids, I got the house, and I got the friends doesn't mean I should stop achieving, does it?!
Please leave me comments on this topic. Maybe they're your goals, or how you actualized your lifelong dream, or what you feel inspired to now strive for, etc.
I need support on this. I'm too good at adding myself in at the bottom of the list. I have to start figuring out how I can move up a notch or two and still maintain my other achievements. Your input would be lovely.
Here's to climbing :)
Friday, September 11, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Not Lazy....Efficient!
My friends, of more than two kids, and I like to say that we are "laid-back" parents. We joke about how one of our kids can fall off a two foot drop and as long as there was grass where they fell or something semi-soft, we'll just yell from where we stand, "You okay Buddy?"
There's no stop what you are doing to run out and see if they are okay. Nope, just a, "Brush it off. You're okay. That was a bad one, huh? Well, go get me a band-aid....and try not to bleed on the living room carpet."
Okay, that's a little bit of an exaggeration.....we no longer have carpet in our living room.
But, anyway, my point is this, once you have more kids than equals you plus your husband....or husband plus wife, which for most of us is two, unless you are one of those Pluralists, then, well, who knows, you might have to have 6 kids in order to gain more kids than you have wives, so if you are a Pluralist and you are reading this, I hope you're grateful that I included you in my equation. Back to the subject...once you have more kids than you are in sum total, in our case 2, then things that used to send you into a tizzy start to become less and less important, and sanity, enjoying the moment no matter how crazy and chaotic the environment is around you, start to win out.
I think before I had three kids I used to call this lazy. Yep, you heard it. Before I had three kids, if you were the type of parents who were like, "Hey, you, kid I can't remember the name of, get in here and eat your dinner." I would probably have thought, You know, they should really have approached the child. Putting yourself in their immediate space gets the child to do what is being asked, not yelling from another room. Gah! The audacity! Don't they watch SuperNanny? Get down to their level! That's what SuperNanny says!
Oh, I was a much better Mom before I had children, wasn't I?!
Now, you will find me on any given day yelling from the kitchen into the living room, "Hey, go get your shoes on like I asked you to 5 minutes ago, or I am going to hot glue them to your feet so you can't ever take them off!"
"What? You can't find them? Even more reason for the hot glue gun. Do you really need me to go down that road with you, son? Really, really? How 'bout getting off the couch and actually looking! Only then, will I maybe start helping you.....Can't find 'em? Well, when you don't actually lift yourself off of the couch how could you? Get up and look!" And, might I mention this is all done while not even actually seeing my son! I just KNOW what he is or isn't up to....mother's intuition, priceless!
Yelling through walls, this is how we of out-numbered status get things done. I cannot go with my son, holding his hand and stroking his ego so as not to stunt him emotionally, every time he needs to find his shoes. Can't do it. Not enough time in the day. Not enough of ME to go around. Sorry son, consider this an early lesson in independence.
But, as I have come to realize, this method for parenting is actually the better parenting method. Okay so I'm biased because it's how I roll, and if you disagree, well, start writing your own blog and maybe I will be a changed woman, maybe, probably not, but maybe.... The reason I say that my method is the better method of parenting is because it teaches children to self soothe. It teaches them to say to themselves, "Is this something I really should sit here and cry over or would that just be wasting my precious play time?" and "Mom doesn't drive herself batty trying to meet all my demands. She is here for me, but she's never going to do everything for me. Even though I beg!"
I call this being a non-s'mother'er. I mother, not smother. It may seem less loving to you, but I don't see it that way. I am so super limited on what I can do and how much time I can give to it, that I have to prioritize. Though, this does not mean that I always choose with precision, as my husband will attest. For example, I may start another load of laundry, while he is waiting in the air-doesn't-move attic on a smoldering hot day for me to help put stuff up and away, "Honey, I was waiting. Did you really have to get that laundry started this very second or could you have waited 5 minutes?"
"Ummmm, in my head, yes, yes, I really did. But, now I see what you mean....Ooops, Sorry! Need a block of ice?"
Yeah, so sometimes I mess up, well sue me, I'm human.
In being a non-s'mother'er with a laid-back parenting style, you can be mis-read. People will think you are lazy and uncaring. You don't jump to get your child what they need, you tell them where it is and how to get it....man, sooooo lazy!
You won't sign your kid up for every flavor of the week activity your child thinks he is going to just love doing, "Oh please, please, please! I always wanted to learn about bee-keeping! Please!"
"Not this time Sweetie, we need to see how this school year goes first, then we can start adding in activities, if our schedules will allow it. And I know, I know....I'm soooo MEEEEAN!!!"
When you parent in a laid-back sort of way, and allow your children to do for themselves, you really are teaching them to care for themselves.
You are saying to them, Mom's independence is necessary for this family to run smoothly, because if I am not sane, you won't have even half the things you have now.
You are saying to them, your independence is necessary. If you rely on me for all your "needs" then how will you ever grow in esteem for yourself?
I was raised in a large blended family. I felt many times that I was treated unfairly, and "If they really loved me they would let me..." But, what I now see is that family was always the center of importance in my rearing. Not me, but the family. Parents who made me do things for myself were not "lazy" but simply, great leaders and teachers who taught me esteem while making me do for myself. And generosity when asking me to take part in chores and family tasks.
Yeah, I'll take one of those "lazy" parents who allows their kids moments of independence and healthy risk opportunities, over a smother'er any day! Any other takers?
There's no stop what you are doing to run out and see if they are okay. Nope, just a, "Brush it off. You're okay. That was a bad one, huh? Well, go get me a band-aid....and try not to bleed on the living room carpet."
Okay, that's a little bit of an exaggeration.....we no longer have carpet in our living room.
But, anyway, my point is this, once you have more kids than equals you plus your husband....or husband plus wife, which for most of us is two, unless you are one of those Pluralists, then, well, who knows, you might have to have 6 kids in order to gain more kids than you have wives, so if you are a Pluralist and you are reading this, I hope you're grateful that I included you in my equation. Back to the subject...once you have more kids than you are in sum total, in our case 2, then things that used to send you into a tizzy start to become less and less important, and sanity, enjoying the moment no matter how crazy and chaotic the environment is around you, start to win out.
I think before I had three kids I used to call this lazy. Yep, you heard it. Before I had three kids, if you were the type of parents who were like, "Hey, you, kid I can't remember the name of, get in here and eat your dinner." I would probably have thought, You know, they should really have approached the child. Putting yourself in their immediate space gets the child to do what is being asked, not yelling from another room. Gah! The audacity! Don't they watch SuperNanny? Get down to their level! That's what SuperNanny says!
Oh, I was a much better Mom before I had children, wasn't I?!
Now, you will find me on any given day yelling from the kitchen into the living room, "Hey, go get your shoes on like I asked you to 5 minutes ago, or I am going to hot glue them to your feet so you can't ever take them off!"
"What? You can't find them? Even more reason for the hot glue gun. Do you really need me to go down that road with you, son? Really, really? How 'bout getting off the couch and actually looking! Only then, will I maybe start helping you.....Can't find 'em? Well, when you don't actually lift yourself off of the couch how could you? Get up and look!" And, might I mention this is all done while not even actually seeing my son! I just KNOW what he is or isn't up to....mother's intuition, priceless!
Yelling through walls, this is how we of out-numbered status get things done. I cannot go with my son, holding his hand and stroking his ego so as not to stunt him emotionally, every time he needs to find his shoes. Can't do it. Not enough time in the day. Not enough of ME to go around. Sorry son, consider this an early lesson in independence.
But, as I have come to realize, this method for parenting is actually the better parenting method. Okay so I'm biased because it's how I roll, and if you disagree, well, start writing your own blog and maybe I will be a changed woman, maybe, probably not, but maybe.... The reason I say that my method is the better method of parenting is because it teaches children to self soothe. It teaches them to say to themselves, "Is this something I really should sit here and cry over or would that just be wasting my precious play time?" and "Mom doesn't drive herself batty trying to meet all my demands. She is here for me, but she's never going to do everything for me. Even though I beg!"
I call this being a non-s'mother'er. I mother, not smother. It may seem less loving to you, but I don't see it that way. I am so super limited on what I can do and how much time I can give to it, that I have to prioritize. Though, this does not mean that I always choose with precision, as my husband will attest. For example, I may start another load of laundry, while he is waiting in the air-doesn't-move attic on a smoldering hot day for me to help put stuff up and away, "Honey, I was waiting. Did you really have to get that laundry started this very second or could you have waited 5 minutes?"
"Ummmm, in my head, yes, yes, I really did. But, now I see what you mean....Ooops, Sorry! Need a block of ice?"
Yeah, so sometimes I mess up, well sue me, I'm human.
In being a non-s'mother'er with a laid-back parenting style, you can be mis-read. People will think you are lazy and uncaring. You don't jump to get your child what they need, you tell them where it is and how to get it....man, sooooo lazy!
You won't sign your kid up for every flavor of the week activity your child thinks he is going to just love doing, "Oh please, please, please! I always wanted to learn about bee-keeping! Please!"
"Not this time Sweetie, we need to see how this school year goes first, then we can start adding in activities, if our schedules will allow it. And I know, I know....I'm soooo MEEEEAN!!!"
When you parent in a laid-back sort of way, and allow your children to do for themselves, you really are teaching them to care for themselves.
You are saying to them, Mom's independence is necessary for this family to run smoothly, because if I am not sane, you won't have even half the things you have now.
You are saying to them, your independence is necessary. If you rely on me for all your "needs" then how will you ever grow in esteem for yourself?
I was raised in a large blended family. I felt many times that I was treated unfairly, and "If they really loved me they would let me..." But, what I now see is that family was always the center of importance in my rearing. Not me, but the family. Parents who made me do things for myself were not "lazy" but simply, great leaders and teachers who taught me esteem while making me do for myself. And generosity when asking me to take part in chores and family tasks.
Yeah, I'll take one of those "lazy" parents who allows their kids moments of independence and healthy risk opportunities, over a smother'er any day! Any other takers?
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