What's Been Goin' On?

So, I know I haven't posted in a while....and I have heard from folks that y'all have been wondering where I have been. I sort of fell off the planet a bit....you're right.

I am going to get pictures up soon. I have so many to post. You will probably feel a bit overwhelmed when I do finally get them on here. Many months worth are waiting to be added!

And, too, I want you to know that I have started no less than approximately 3 new posts....but I either decided the posts weren't good enough or that they just sounded a bit blabby....no real content, just a bunch of blabbering. Who really wants to read that, huh?! Well, even if you did, I decided you wouldn't.

Today is sort of emotional for me. And this isn't the first day I have had like this lately.

I'm one day away from possibly knowing what the cause for Griff's learning issues are and I am feeling all kinds of things.
Anxious
Sad
Happy
Worried (though I am trying really hard to live in the moment....baby steps)
Thankful
Frustrated
Insecure
Restless

Just so many things. I want my child to have things as easy as is possible. Don't all parents wish for that? I want things for him to be without frustration. For him to love learning, not want to run away from it. His life as a student will be such a drudgery if day in and day out he leaves for school thinking, "This place is no fun. They suck the self esteem from me. They make me feel like I am dumb."

What a crappy way to feel.

Dan and I were discussing this last night and I was saying, "I read that thing from the teacher. It said that the average student has to see and read a word 40 times before it is committed to long term memory." He said, "Yeah, I read that too." I said, "It wasn't like that for me, Dan. I read a word once, and I knew it. I never had to have help with homework. I did not have to be 'worked' with. The teacher taught something to us. I got it. I thought learning was simple, I thought it was so easy to go to school......No wonder I loved school....it gave me so much self-esteem!"

Then it hit me......Griffin's struggle is finally giving me a look into what the other kids in my class, the ones who didn't like school, were going through. It makes me feel horrible. I now remember howI was not the nicest to those kids. I wasn't as accepting as I should have been because they were the kids who made the teacher frustrated. Who had to be taught something over and over and made some of the lessons not so much fun....Why can't they just get it?!

I'm finally seeing things from that side and it makes me feel horrible. I probably hurt the feelings of other kids, over and over while I was growing up. All because I did not understand that learning, the ability to learn "normally" and quickly, is not normal....that was a gift. And my being less than accepting of my classmates, now makes me feel horrible. I look into the eyes of my son and I think, "Who could be mean to you? You are so precious!" And now, in examining my past, I see my reflection in his eyes and it hurts. I was one of those kids. I was not a bully by any means. But unaccepting, definitely. Dismissive of those who had a harder time learning, absolutely. Gossipy about how "stupid" so and so was, yes.
Oh, I hate knowing now how much that potentially hurt my classmates.

This issue we have been struggling with, it has really pointed out my short-comings and my past hurts.....and I am greatly sorry.

I honestly did not think that I could have ever been remembered by anyone as being a mean kid. I wasn't cruel......but I was. I wasn't snobby........but I was.

Griffin is a beautiful child inside and out. He is perfect just the way God made him, and I know that. But, kids, kids don't know that. Kids only know he takes longer to "get" things than the rest of the class. And, that he's always talking, that's why he doesn't finish his work.
Don't get me wrong, according to his teacher, he is well accepted among his peers. But, we are in only the first part of his schooling. If he continues to drag the class down, he wil not be as well accepted. Kids will definitely start to notice that he is "different" and shy away from socializing with him.

That is how kids are, and I want to shelter my son from as much of that as I can.

So, now I am thinking about the future, even though I try to stop from thinking ahead. Not thinking of what's to come just seems impossible. I need to start preparing myself for what we might have to go through. I don't want to be blindsided. Having an action plan will make things easier, right?!
Yeah, well, that is when the worry begins. When you start thinking of the things that might need to happen, you start to realize they cost, and they take up a lot of time, and you think, "How will we be able to make these things happen and still keep everyone in the family united?"
Worry. Worry. Stress. Stress.
Now add your own hurt because you weren't the most accepting kid, so you feel the need to REALLY plan and do whatever you possibly can to make your child as inconspicuous as possible.
Worry. Worry. Stress. Stress. Cry. Worry. Stress. Cry. Cry. Cry.

I know that there are far bigger challenges out there others are facing. That does give me perspective. Yet, my emotions are still running amok. I'm a mother....I want to protect!
Which explains why I have sort of withdrawn a bit from the outside world, at least I think it does. I'm in preservation mode. I just want to preserve my family's "normalcy" for as long as I can. I know things are about to get even more chaotic, and I'm clinging to our final days.

Pray for us, y'all. Pray for me....I'm the one with the issues!! ha ha! But, tomorrow will be good. We need an answer. I hope Saturday will bring it. I pray they will give me a starting point.....we need one. And Griffin, he needs to feel like he IS smart...that learning CAN be fun....that reading on his own ISN'T impossible..... and, mostly, that his esteem CAN grow from school, not just sucked away when he enters the doors. Lots of prayer needed folks. Keep us on your list!

Love y'all!