Sometimes I feel like telling the freight carrier who is delivering my highly important Internet bought items, that the reason I need this package NOW is because it is a medical emergency! A child medical emergency! That would produce results, wouldn't it?!? And, it's not really lying to say Child-Medical-and Emergency all in the same sentence if you look at the situation from my vantage point. You see, if I do not get this shipment soon the anticipation could, feasibly, cause me to self implode! I'm not kidding! I'm on the implosion end of this, and I know what I am feeling! And, if I did implode who would care for the children?!? Now, you see what I'm sayin'? Dan's a good man, but three kids?! Come on! Their lives are seriously at stake here!!
It's true. I have a problem! I just get so anxious!!
So, what you now know is that I am a bit lacking in the patience department! Or maybe, I am without a patience department all together. That could be true, too. And I'll tell ya, this is a really hard thing to overcome! If you ever want to put me into an unbridled panic, keep me waiting! This is when you will see that my head CAN really spin around on my neck. And my eyes CAN really pop out of my head! It's true, ask Dan, he's seen me do things while waiting, that have previously only been seen by priests during exorcisms!!
Priests. I bet they have patience. Just seems like something God would make a pre-requisite in becoming one! Anyone care to disagree?
Anyway, I grew-up Catholic. I'm not sure if it is because of this up-bringing or because I am just always seeking guidance, but I pray a lot. And something I am always praying God will grant me is patience! When I'm waiting on Griffin to finish pooping because I have three-thousand other things I need to do with my day and sitting in the bathroom with him because he just needs to tell me 'one more thing', is not really helping the dishes get done!! And when I'm picking up the 4-millionth food item thrown from Grant's high-chair tray and saying "No Grant. We do not throw food." I'm asking God for the patience it takes to be okay with food-stained walls and floors. This too shall pass, right?!?! Right?!?! I am right, God, aren't I?!? Oh please God tell me that some day he will find eating food more enjoyable than throwing it!
And believe me, I realize that these moments should be seen as precious memories that I should be able to look back on and think fondly of, or laugh about. But, when you have 3 kids, a husband, a full-time job, a house to take care of, etc, etc, sometimes the precious memory-making-moments, are more like plots against me. "You're trying to sabotage my plans, aren't you?!? You like seeing my head-spin! I know it can be comical, but really, it hurts and I can't see straight for hours afterwards! Please, just work with me here!!"
Patience is a terrible affliction to have to overcome. There should be a foundation for people like me, The Foundation for the Impatient and Angst-Ridden. Though, not one of us afflicted could be counted on to start the foundation b/c we are all too busy with other commitments and too impatient to have to write by-laws, set-up fundraisers, and, ugh, we just don't have the patience! I want the help, but, man, I'm going to need to drink if this is going to take time! Drinking makes me a much more relaxed person. And maybe this is the case for other people with patience problems. So, that correlation being made I have re-named our foundation The Foundation for the Impatient and Angst-Ridden Alcoholics!
But, being that I am impatient, I'm the perfect time-manager. Who better to put in charge of things getting done, than someone who can't stand to wait, right?!? I'm the one who is bothered greatly when things are not accomplished in the time allotted! So, you should let ME be in charge. Things will happen, chop -chop!
I think this is what Dan both loves and hates about my lack of patience. I get stuff done. That's a big plus. But, I'm like a time-nazi. What are you doing? Sitting down?! Why? Do you need something to do? I've got plenty that needs to be done.
At which point, inevitably, he will remind me that I don't get to run his time schedule, the kids' maybe, but not his. Geez! THAT"S NOT FAIR! I need you to back-up my time schedule! To feel the angst I feel when time is slipping away! Do what's right, honey, feed my obsession!!!
Griffin likes to play with my impatience problem, too.
Here's an example, it's 10 minutes til church starts, it takes only 5 minutes to drive there, just two minutes to get everyone into the car, and 3 minutes to walk everyone into their classes, and get ourselves into the service. So, we're good. We're on schedule. Now, Griffin, all he needs to do, is get himself out to the car.
"Mom, we cannot leave for church until I find my Transformer shoes b/c I am not wearing these dumb tie-up shoes. The laces always come un-tied and they hurt my feet and you always make me wear these dumb shoes and I'm not wearing 'em. I need to find my Transformer shoes they make me run fast and they don't have ties and oh, I need to bring my Spiderman with me b/c my friends don't have one of these and they're going to think this is cool and Spiderman you know what he can do, he shoots webs like this, spieeewww, spieeewww. And he swings from buildings, and you know Mom on my Spiderman movie, Doc Oc he's a bad guy. He tries to kill Spiderman. He's a bad guy. And Spiderman has a girlfriend and he kisses her. I saw him Mom! You don't like me to watch kissing and I saw 'em! Ha ha! He kisses her!!! Have you found my Transformer shoes yet, Mom?!"
Oh, the marrow in my bones is aching! I'm being pushed to the edge!
Why do I cling so fervently to the idea that order can come into my house of chaos? It's apparent my children have issues of their own. Like finding favorite Transformer shoes and determining which looks better splattered against the kitchen floor: Spaghetti or Ketchup-soaked Scrambled Eggs?
I think it's a problem to have to wait, and they wish I didn't have that problem!
So, what can you do? Live a life of frustration because your patience is always at the breaking point? Or learn to laugh at the fact that you have no patience and of course it would be at its breaking point, the beginning and end are at the same damn point!
The lesson here is, embrace your character flaws. They can be funny! I promise you, it's easier to laugh at your incompetencies then to live a life frustrated because no one understands!!!
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4 comments:
Hi Carrie,
I love your style of writing. You could replace Erma Bombeck now that she's dead. You may not remember her but she is known for some of life's best quotes such as "If life's a bowl of cheeries, what am I doing here in the pits?"
She was a real hoot and every mom I know loved to read her column in the Newspaper or owned one of her books. She wrote about the joys - ahem - of raising children too.
This younger generation needs their own Erma so I think you should submit some of your stories to your local newspaper and see if they would print a column. That's how Erma got her start if memory serves me right.
On another topic, I didn't know that you loved the Oky Doky so much when you were a little girl or I would have let you spend more sleepovers.
I loved having it next door too and was very disappointed when they closed their doors. Where else could I send a 5 year old to buy cigarettes for me but my neighborhood Oky Doky? I gave up cigarettes in 1990 but it would still be nice to run next door everytime I needed a loaf of bread, a cup of coffee or cappachino, or some milk.
It's just an old abandoned building now and the attorney who bought it is not interested in doing business out of it, he is trying to buy our property and the house on the other side of Grandview so they can tear down the existing buildings and construct a large convenience store and gas station.
I told him how much money it would take to get me to move and he seemed down hearted. He's nuts if he thinks I'm going to move out just to help him. I've lived in this house almost 35 years and raised my girls and now my grandkids love to spend the day and stay overnight - even without the convience of the Oky Doky.
Well, this old bird has got to fly. Keep sending your blogs, Erma.
Love,
Aunt Marla
Thanks Aunt Marla for the wonderful ego-boost! I do remember Erma Bombeck and that's kind of who I fancy myself as, too. Erma in the present day.
I absolutely love one of her writings called, If I Had My Life to Live Over. It so eloquently states that life is about taking the time to smell the roses and not worrying about what other people have.
That's just a way of living I can totally support!
And I did love that Oky Doky! Mom told me she thought it might be turned into a law office, but I guess not.
I am with you, that lawyer is crazy if he thinks you would just easily move out of the house you've lived in for so many years! The house is practically an historical landmark! At least, I feel that way. And, oh my gosh, the memories our whole family has created in that house! I'd be crushed if it wasn't there anymore!
Whatever he's offering is not enough! And, if he ever gets to your magic number, you call me, maybe I can get the Historical Society to see my point of view!!
Love You,
Carrie
That's why patience is a virtue!! Not everyone is born with the overflow of it that my sister has. She can answer the same question from her child 50x in the most patient voice when I am screaming 'What the hell is wrong with your child? Do they have terrible wax buildup?'
But what you may lack in patience- I think you make up for in common sense. And it wouldn't be fair for you to have everything and be perfect or we would all have to hate you!
Maxsgranny
Loved it. And took a moment to thank God that I'm laid back. Real laid back. Maybe too laid back if you ask my wife, but it works for me. Makes me feel like Hannibal from the A-Team - "I love it when a plan comes together." Not that I actually have a plan most of the time, but if I did, it might come together like this. No, I take that back. If I made a plan it would totally suck (except for my chosen location would not have the humidity) and wouldn't be nearly as cool as how my life has ended up. Good thing I didn't stress with all that planning and stuff. Man, it's cool to be laid back! I enjoy your blog - I'll be back.
Kennie J
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