So, I know I haven't posted in a while....and I have heard from folks that y'all have been wondering where I have been. I sort of fell off the planet a bit....you're right.
I am going to get pictures up soon. I have so many to post. You will probably feel a bit overwhelmed when I do finally get them on here. Many months worth are waiting to be added!
And, too, I want you to know that I have started no less than approximately 3 new posts....but I either decided the posts weren't good enough or that they just sounded a bit blabby....no real content, just a bunch of blabbering. Who really wants to read that, huh?! Well, even if you did, I decided you wouldn't.
Today is sort of emotional for me. And this isn't the first day I have had like this lately.
I'm one day away from possibly knowing what the cause for Griff's learning issues are and I am feeling all kinds of things.
Anxious
Sad
Happy
Worried (though I am trying really hard to live in the moment....baby steps)
Thankful
Frustrated
Insecure
Restless
Just so many things. I want my child to have things as easy as is possible. Don't all parents wish for that? I want things for him to be without frustration. For him to love learning, not want to run away from it. His life as a student will be such a drudgery if day in and day out he leaves for school thinking, "This place is no fun. They suck the self esteem from me. They make me feel like I am dumb."
What a crappy way to feel.
Dan and I were discussing this last night and I was saying, "I read that thing from the teacher. It said that the average student has to see and read a word 40 times before it is committed to long term memory." He said, "Yeah, I read that too." I said, "It wasn't like that for me, Dan. I read a word once, and I knew it. I never had to have help with homework. I did not have to be 'worked' with. The teacher taught something to us. I got it. I thought learning was simple, I thought it was so easy to go to school......No wonder I loved school....it gave me so much self-esteem!"
Then it hit me......Griffin's struggle is finally giving me a look into what the other kids in my class, the ones who didn't like school, were going through. It makes me feel horrible. I now remember howI was not the nicest to those kids. I wasn't as accepting as I should have been because they were the kids who made the teacher frustrated. Who had to be taught something over and over and made some of the lessons not so much fun....Why can't they just get it?!
I'm finally seeing things from that side and it makes me feel horrible. I probably hurt the feelings of other kids, over and over while I was growing up. All because I did not understand that learning, the ability to learn "normally" and quickly, is not normal....that was a gift. And my being less than accepting of my classmates, now makes me feel horrible. I look into the eyes of my son and I think, "Who could be mean to you? You are so precious!" And now, in examining my past, I see my reflection in his eyes and it hurts. I was one of those kids. I was not a bully by any means. But unaccepting, definitely. Dismissive of those who had a harder time learning, absolutely. Gossipy about how "stupid" so and so was, yes.
Oh, I hate knowing now how much that potentially hurt my classmates.
This issue we have been struggling with, it has really pointed out my short-comings and my past hurts.....and I am greatly sorry.
I honestly did not think that I could have ever been remembered by anyone as being a mean kid. I wasn't cruel......but I was. I wasn't snobby........but I was.
Griffin is a beautiful child inside and out. He is perfect just the way God made him, and I know that. But, kids, kids don't know that. Kids only know he takes longer to "get" things than the rest of the class. And, that he's always talking, that's why he doesn't finish his work.
Don't get me wrong, according to his teacher, he is well accepted among his peers. But, we are in only the first part of his schooling. If he continues to drag the class down, he wil not be as well accepted. Kids will definitely start to notice that he is "different" and shy away from socializing with him.
That is how kids are, and I want to shelter my son from as much of that as I can.
So, now I am thinking about the future, even though I try to stop from thinking ahead. Not thinking of what's to come just seems impossible. I need to start preparing myself for what we might have to go through. I don't want to be blindsided. Having an action plan will make things easier, right?!
Yeah, well, that is when the worry begins. When you start thinking of the things that might need to happen, you start to realize they cost, and they take up a lot of time, and you think, "How will we be able to make these things happen and still keep everyone in the family united?"
Worry. Worry. Stress. Stress.
Now add your own hurt because you weren't the most accepting kid, so you feel the need to REALLY plan and do whatever you possibly can to make your child as inconspicuous as possible.
Worry. Worry. Stress. Stress. Cry. Worry. Stress. Cry. Cry. Cry.
I know that there are far bigger challenges out there others are facing. That does give me perspective. Yet, my emotions are still running amok. I'm a mother....I want to protect!
Which explains why I have sort of withdrawn a bit from the outside world, at least I think it does. I'm in preservation mode. I just want to preserve my family's "normalcy" for as long as I can. I know things are about to get even more chaotic, and I'm clinging to our final days.
Pray for us, y'all. Pray for me....I'm the one with the issues!! ha ha! But, tomorrow will be good. We need an answer. I hope Saturday will bring it. I pray they will give me a starting point.....we need one. And Griffin, he needs to feel like he IS smart...that learning CAN be fun....that reading on his own ISN'T impossible..... and, mostly, that his esteem CAN grow from school, not just sucked away when he enters the doors. Lots of prayer needed folks. Keep us on your list!
Love y'all!
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8 comments:
It is what it is.
And then find the joy in it.
You will.
God's feeling the same way about his little Carrie...are the lessons too hard? Will she be friends with my flock? But you are doing fine- and #1 son will too.
-MaxsGranny
Do not worry so much,Carrie. Griffin will do just fine. He has the love and support of his family and in time a flashbulb will go off, and he will find his way to learning. Griffin is a bright boy, and if anyone can figure this out, he will. As far as being mean to classmates, there is not one of us who has not had our unkind moments. I guess it goes to show that learning is a lifelong process. Griffin has such an outgoing personality, he will always make friends easily. Do Not Worry. This problem may make his path a little harder to navigate, but not insurmountable.
I know this is not a HUGE deal. I mean I know that, but my emotions don't know it. It is just a reminder every day when we work on his reading that this is not natural for everyone. And I just feel bad for assuming it was.
We will get through this and I am so excited, yet nervous about tomorrow. It's as if I was taking the test! But, Griffin will come out of this fine. I do know that, in my logical head. It's just this darn emotional one I wear sometimes that gets me feeling up and down!
Oh to be a man! ha! Dan has been just great during this. He just takes it all in stride. His example is a good one. I just can't seem to shake this female emotional stuff! No matter how many boys I add into the house!
Carrie, kids all learn at different speeds. Griff is still very young so don't count him out yet. Lots of kids need parental help for the first few years of school. Jay is a whiz at math but he struggles with reading comprehension so we've been working with him on that. Think of this as an activity that you can help him with and at the same time he will be getting some one on one time with mom and dad. Kids don't get enough of that when there are other siblings to compete with. Make some good memories for him by showing him that learning can be fun!
My oldest struggles in school and he goes to tutoring, called study connection. He didn't want to go at first because he thought he was going to be singled out, but he loves it. He works one on one and gets special study connection binders, pencils, etc. He's in 5th grade, so I can understand, but I wish I would have helped him sooner- I think things would be easier for him now. But better than never, right?
It's good that you're able to help your son now, because you're setting him up with tools he'll be able to carry with him through school.
Thanks everyone for the encouragement. Griffin had his test on Saturday. He impressed the test lady by just being himself, sweet, studious, funny, with a desire to please.
(Thank goodness he had a decent night's sleep and breakfast!!!)
She is not the final authority on this test. It will now go to a psychiatrist who will then assess his scores and our paperwork. That will take about a week to ten days. Hopefully, before Thanksgiving we will have an answer.
The best thing was that she said we were doing exactly what we should do and all the help and tutor helo and everything, is definitely paying off.
Just have to wait and see now. Still praying this will be the answer. He deserves parents, teachers, and a school who know how to reach him.
Sometimes as much as it sucks, and trust me it does, we are given things in our life for a lesson we need to learn. It is so obvious to me that you are not mean or any of the harsh things you have said about yourself here. However you have now learned a lesson that needed learned by you and you can move on and not do that again. And you can help Griffin exel as I know he will.
Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm damn old enough to now know that we are given situations in our life so that we can learn and grow and only we who pay attention will learn from them and it seems you did just that. You're already way ahead of the bunch.
And just because Griffin isn't learning at the same pace now doesn't mean he won't pick up speed later. It worked like that for my nephew....as well as my hubby who ended up being the VP of HR in Aeorspace no less.
I'm new too your blog, so I am a bit late on the reply. But this subject strikes near and dear to my heart.
My oldest child was diagnosed ADD when he was 5. I was then faced with one of the toughest decisions I have ever had to make. To medicate or not to medicate. I chose the hard road for my child and myself and chose not to medicate.
The school put him in a program that pulled him out of the classroom about 5 hours a week. As he got older, he needed less and less one on one time. This year, his junior year in high school, he was officially pronounced as "average". While most of you might find that a boring and uninteresting announcement, those of you who have kids in the special education program know what a milestone that is.
What I am trying to say is that I have been through this. And through this experience I can tell you that kids seem to be a whole lot more accepting of differences than we ever were. He was never made to feel different or as less of a person. Those kids in his classes didn't bat an eye when he left for his special ed stuff.
I remember being scared for him when this all came about. I thought back to how mean we used to be to the "special" kids. Your kid will be fine. Just be supportive and all will be well. I promise.
I'm leaving my email address. If you have any questions about the types of programs that most schools offer, feel free to ask away.
Good luck!
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